Imagine: people sincerely love each other, care about each other, solve everyday problems together, walk in parks and theaters, but they don’t have sex. For months and even years. Voluntarily, because both or one of them does not want “all these tiresome body movements.” “Such relationships are not so rare now; psychologists have even come up with a special term – asexuality. This is a condition in which people really do not experience sexual desire and live well with it,” explains sexologist Elena Tikhonova. What to do if you are lucky enough to meet just such a person?
Asexual people do not choose to be like this
Just as you didn't choose to be born with brown, blond, or red hair, the person you like but won't sleep with you didn't choose to be asexual.
“Many people believe that asexuality is a choice, which can make it difficult for a partner to come out to them. Not only because of the fear of being judged, but also because it could potentially lead to a breakdown in the relationship. So if the person you're dating shares that they're asexual, 1) take it as a good sign and 2) know that it has nothing to do with you personally,” says Elena.
Asexuality exists on a spectrum
Asexuals are very different. Some may experience sexual desire occasionally, only want to masturbate alone or with a partner, have sex once a year with their partners, etc., while others may not. It all depends on the individual.
Photo: Social networks “There are even special terms on the asexuality spectrum that help describe a person’s experiences. For example, there is what is called gray asexual, which means that a person rarely experiences sexual desire, and there is demisexual, which means that a person can experience sexual desire after establishing a strong emotional connection with a specific person. All of these concepts fall under the umbrella of “asexuality,” but have completely different meanings,” explains Elena. In this light, the best thing you can do in your relationship is not to assume anything about your partner, but, on the contrary, ask him directly: “Tell me, will we have sex? And in what form? And then decide what to do with the information received during an honest answer. Dating asexual people doesn't necessarily mean you'll never have sex You may hear that a person at 35-40 is still a virgin because he doesn't want sex . Never with anyone. And with you too. However, there are other asexual people who may be open to having sex and having conversations about it. There are even asexual people who do not seek sex themselves, but would be ready to have it with a loved one. It all depends on the person and what they are comfortable with. “The decision to have sex includes various components, including attraction, libido, desire and arousal,” says Elena. So even if asexuals don't feel particularly attracted to sex with a specific person, “they may still experience varying levels of desire to experience sexual pleasure, intimate connection, or physiological arousal.” Your relationship can be fulfilling even without sexual intimacy Don't worry, if sex is excluded, the relationship can still be fulfilling. If this is acceptable to you and you are ready to make do with a surrogate for sex or improvised means. Photo: Social networks “Many asexuals crave deep emotional, romantic and spiritual intimacy, as well as physical and romantic affection, even if they do not experience sexual attraction or arousal,” says Elena. So, of course, sex may not be the main point of intimacy between you and your asexual partner . But there are other forms of intimacy you can use. Just remember that there are many other ways to give and receive intimacy that don't involve your genitals.
