Your ex was an important part of your life… or just damn good in bed. Either way, you may be wondering, “Why do I miss my ex?” But there are several well-founded scientific reasons for this. Spoiler: everything is fine with you, you are alive and real. It's normal to suffer.
Why we miss our ex
First of all, he was cute. He always brought you coffee in the morning and beer in the evening, he knew your inner thoughts, he made you laugh, he started pillow fights, he had amazing taste in music, and he also had a disarming ability to make everything funny and easy – even being stuck in traffic or quarantine on coronavirus.
He fixed things in the house, his shirts were inhumanly comfortable to sleep in, he cooked, he had an X-box, he paid for food, and he had that cool car. In fact, it's normal to miss things like this. Even if your ex turned out to be, to put it mildly, not a very good person.
Human psychology after a breakup
It’s not just about nostalgia or loneliness – there’s a whole psychological game behind it. There is even a whole attachment theory developed by John Bowlby that helps us understand why your reactions after a breakup can be so strong.
And then there is such a complex thing as memory and idealization. It's like your brain selectively remembers all the good times and forgets about the moments that made you suffer or feel ashamed – your partner or yourself.
Unsplash “And let's not forget about those insidious neurochemical factors. When you're in love, dopamine and oxytocin bubble through your brain, creating warm, sparkling feelings. After a breakup, your brain feels like a party scene after the guests have left—the happiness chemicals drop, leaving you yearning for an emotional high. This withdrawal can make you yearn for your ex, thinking that he was the only source of such happiness,” explains psychologist Maria Lebben. Your mutual friends Your ex is gone, but the people you hung out with are still there. Hanging out with mutual friends can bring back memories and feelings of nostalgia, making you miss what used to be. “You miss not only the person, but also the social life and experiences you shared with them.” “, confirms Maria. What should you do to heal yourself from longing for the past, to stop suffering for your ex? Get rid of the negativity Are you good enough? Did he love you at all? And if he was a bad person, lied and cheated, then that means I’m just a naive fool for allowing myself to fall in love with such a nonentity? “You need to stop this! These are common questions you ask yourself at times like these, but the feelings that accompany them can cause serious damage to your well-being. You can't control every situation and whatever happens, happens. Just accept the situation as it is. Take off your rose-colored glasses, but you shouldn’t wear a crown with thorns either. He was what he was. And you too, even if you made mistakes. All this has happened and passed away. Look at the passage of time like a river,” suggests Maria. Become aware of your feelings “You need to understand why you are experiencing them. Is it because you're really still crazy about how much you love your ex? Or simply because your ego is wounded – what’s the matter, they abandoned me, such a smart and beautiful woman?” asks Maria. An honest answer will help you choose your further strategy. By the way, there is nothing wrong with the fear of “losing face”. It is unpleasant and bitter for any of us to be abandoned as a loser. This is also normal! Write letters But don’t send them! Again: don’t send them! Okay, send one if you really want to. If he responds, send another one. However, don’t turn into a stalker who sends your ex daily letters with drops of tears and dried rose petals on a heart-shaped sheet of paper that smells like your perfume. This also applies to emails. “It's more of a tool for you to express your feelings in a healthy way. Write down every emotion, every thought, so as not to keep everything to yourself,” explains Maria. Keep yourself busy with something If it’s playing in your head a broken record on loop: “I miss my ex,” you need to keep yourself busy. What happens when you have time? You think. About what? About him. Yes exactly. Not the most useful activity for the whole day. Taking care of yourself does not mean looking at his social network a hundred times and checking who and when he liked there. “Focus on yourself. Go to the gym, join a macramé club or a tea ceremony, go somewhere with friends. You won’t be able to help but think about him, but by going about your own business, you will reduce the opportunity to walk down memory lane,” says Maria. Unsplash Think about yourself Stop suffering. If you miss your ex, you need to put yourself first anyway. Why? Because if you are not number one, it will be difficult for you to maintain any relationship, you will always end up being a follower. Maybe this immaturity is enough? It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your life into your own hands. “Make a conscious effort to come to terms with the idea that missing him is normal, and you will definitely get over it. But from now on, the main thing is you, and not the one you left forever,” Maria emphasizes. Live for some time for yourself and on your own, try to get sincere pleasure from it. Flirt a little Perhaps you don’t want to do this at all. When you're constantly thinking, “I miss my ex,” the last thing you want to do is talk to anyone else at all, let alone make eyes and flirt. However, a little harmless flirting isn't good for anyone. will hurt, and it can boost your self-esteem after it has been damaged. “Don't mislead anyone or tell lies, just have a little friendly, harmless flirting and see how you feel,” says Maria.
